The Tao of Spartacus Jones

Bush Unveils New War

Washington, DC — (permanent press)
Citing the success of the "war on terrorism," White House spokesmen today unveiled a new front, the "war on obesity."
"Obesity is epidemic in our nation and a grave national security concern," said Vice-President Dick Cheney at an afternoon press conference. Asked to define "obesity" Mr. Cheney explained "all those traits, characteristics and behaviors of the obese and potentially obese. I can't be any clearer than that so go fuck yourself."

The Bush administration refuses to be "straight-jacketed" by limited definitions. "There is no hard and fast rule as to how many pounds over-weight equals obese," explained Condoleeza "White" Rice. "As commander-in-chief, the president will make that difficult determination by himself on a case-by case basis." The president's decision, White House legal advisors say, is not subject to review by the courts. "In wartime we fully expect every decent American to rally behind the President," Rice said.

As part of this bold initiative, congress was this morning presented with the 11,000 page "Intelligent Diet Initiative on Trimming" legislation, known as the IDIOT ACT, which it passed almost unanimously in time for the 10AM coffee-and-donuts break. The sole dissenting vote was cast by Cynthia Mckinney (D-Georgia) "I think there's way too much pork in this bill," she said.

The IDIOT Act gives the Department of Homeland Security, working in conjunction with the FBI and local law enforcement, broad new powers "desperately needed" in the war on obesity.
Among them:
Libraries and bookstores will be required to maintain records "tracking" diet books, exercise books and cookbooks — all "of no legitimate interest to the regular law-abiding American, but of vital interest to the obese and potentially obese," observed Attorney General John Ashcroft.

Scales will be installed at the entrances of public buildings and at airports to help identify the obese. "These weigh-in's will be in the nude, of course," explained the Attorney General as he shifted his newspaper to cover his lap.

Warrantless "sneak and taste" searches will enable law enforcement officials to enter a suspect's home without their knowledge or consent to "search and sample" various food items for sugar and fat, and to root out "obesity materials" used in preparing "obesity facilitating" dishes.

The bill also provides for a crackdown on bakeries, pastry shops and candy stores that may "knowingly or unknowingly support obesity" and the creation of an obesity data base to include lists of gym and health club members ("where obese persons may frequent").

Suspected obese or potentially persons may be subject to arrest, imprisonment, and forced dieting — all without access to an attorney or personal trainer, or the right to seek a writ of habeus corpulent.

Nadine Strossen of the ACLU expressed concern that the legislation violated the fundamental constitutional rights of law-abiding citizens, persons who have been charged with no crime.
"Only the thinnest evidence is required," she said.
"This is war," commented Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld. "Are we going to worry about the quaint niceties of the constitution, international law, the UN or the Nutra-sweet Accords? Fat chance."

While polls show that 90% of Americans support the President's actions, there has been some protest from a small segment of Un-American, lunatic-fringe, demented, drug-abusing, child-molesting, conspiracy-nut, pinko faggot commie fatsos, estimated at no more than 250 million. A tiny group of malcontent demonstrators that brought all traffic in New York City to a stand-still for twelve hours, gathered in Times Square to gorge down Twinkies, Yo-yo's, Ha-ha's and a variety of other jovial foodstuffs on the "suspect" list issued by the FBI. "This is still America," said one demonstrator, between bites. "We have a right to eat and drink whatever we want. The president has no lawful authority to say what's good for us and what isn't. We've got to stand up and show that we have the courage of our confections."

To assist over-burdened local law enforcement, the military may be called upon.
"We've been preparing for this, just in case," commented General Tommy "Ballpark" Franks, "and I think we're ready. After all, fat people make big, slow targets that are pretty easy to hit."

The role of the military may not be confined to domestic fat-fighting. As yet unconfirmed reports of significant American troop movements along the Swiss border have begun to circulate.
"We know for a fact that the Swiss have a whole lot of chocolate," said President Bush, "and that a whole lot of that whole lot of chocolate is targeted for the United States."

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Spartacus Jones has a PhD in social policy from the American School of Hard Knocks where he is currently a professor of pistoffology.