Lately, candidates are spending millions of dollars on presidential election campaigns.
Just stop a second and ask yourself: Who would spend 10 million dollars to get a $400,000 a year job? That should suggest something to you.
I'm not going to do that.
I'm not going to ask you to send me your money.
In fact, I plan on running a zero-budget campaign.
No TV ads. No radio. No print ads.
Zero. Nada. Bupkis.
Instead, we're going to do it like this: if you agree with what I have to say, if you think it's right and true and honest and fair, then commit to voting for me. And pass the word on to two friends who you think will agree with us, too. Ask them to do the same.
Face-to-face.
Friend-to-friend.
Person-to-person.
100% word of mouth.
You can't get more grass roots than that.
If you do the math, you can see that if each person who agrees passes the word on to two others who agree, we'll have the bad guys outnumbered in plenty of time for the '08 election.
As for "getting on the ballot," that procedure is half scam, half sham and a touch of flim-flam. It's almost guaranteed to keep any honest person from running for anything but cover. The Democrats and the Republicans (are they still officially TWO parties or have they come out of the closet?) have it sewed up. They've stacked the deck against any third party, let alone an independent.
So to hell with the ballot.
We'll make it a 100% write-in campaign.
Wouldn't THAT be something?
In any case it's a simple rule of poker that if you find out somebody's cheating and you keep playing, then you're an idiot.
We may not win, but at least let's not be idiots.
There's no mystery about the mess we're in — or what we have to do to fix it, either. Politicians have been telling us the "solutions" are very "complex."
That's a lie.
Most of the solutions are incredibly simple — IF you're really trying to solve the problem instead of looking for ways to profit from it. Things are the way they are because a small number of very wealthy, very greedy SOB's make huge amounts of money off of it.
Chances are, you know as well as I do exactly what has to change. I'll outline a few things so you'll know what I'm about. I may repeat myself here and there because a lot of these problems aren't separate and distinct. They overlap each other. So I may mention something a couple of times, as I look at the mess from different angles.
Power corrupts and absolute power corrupts absolutely.
You've heard that one haven't you? Sure seems to be true.
So if the impossible happens and Satan fields an ice hockey team, how do I keep from being seduced by the lure of power, the "dark side of the force," so to speak. I'm just a human being and I have my share of weaknesses just like anybody else. Once I hit Washington DC, what's to keep me from being just another guy out for himself?
The first safeguard against me losing my balance is open government. Basically, I'll ask the 60 Minutes crew to follow me around 24/7. Every meeting, every discussion will be public. Only scoundrels and scalawags need to operate in secret. You have an absolute right to know just what the hell is going on. After all, the government works for you, not the other way around. I'll set up some cable channels so that all the workings of the government are available for your personal scrutiny. All sessions of congress. Committee meetings and sub-committee meetings. All of it.
If you have an IQ of above 6, most of it may bore you to tears. You may choose not to review it all (although I recommend you keep close tabs on the big stuff). But you should have the choice.
The second safeguard is that I'll surround myself with good people, people who won't hesitate to tell me if they think I'm screwing up. The president needs a bunch of yes-men around him like the Captain of the Titanic needed a little more ice.
Let's face it, the President may be the lead singer and front-man, but he's nothing without the rest of the band, as proven by how many lead singers have decided to go solo and flopped, never to be heard from again.
There are good people out there, too. Here are some I'd want in cabinet posts or as Special Advisors to the President.
I'd ask Frank Serpico to take charge of the FBI.
I'd ask Dennis Kucinich to serve as the first Secretary of Peace.
I'd change "Secretary of Defense" to "Secretary of War." Who are we kidding, anyway? And I'd ask Max Cleland to be Secretary of War. I don't want anyone "who jests at scars, never having felt the wound."
I'd ask Ron Kovic to head up Veterans Affairs.
I'd appoint Wilma Mankiller Secretary of the Interior.
I would eliminate the Department of Homeland Security. But don't worry about all those folks going jobless. I anticipate that most of them will wind up doing time.
I'd ask Barbara Lee to serve as Secretary of Health and Human Services.
I'd ask John Gatto to be Secretary of Education.
I'd ask Dr. Helen Caldicott to be Surgeon General
Those are a few of the people on my wish list. I might not be able to get these very persons, but that's the kind of person I'm after for each post. It's enough to give you the general idea.
Watching the watchers who watch the watchers watching.
I will establish independent review boards to keep an eye on the folks running the store, including me.
The Executive Review Board will review actions of the executive branch, and will be empowered to investigate corruption and malfeasance.
The Judicial Review Board will review actions of the judiciary and will be empowered to investigate corruption and malfeasance on the bench.
The Legislative Review Board will review actions of the Senate and the House and will be empowered to investigate corruption and malfeasance in congress.
These boards will operate independently of the government with members randomly selected from a pool of qualified individuals based on recommendations made by the ACLU, National Lawyers Guild, and leading legal scholars — balanced out with some plain old ordinary nobodies like you and me. Think of it like jury duty.
I'm also going to institute a new tradition, like the state of the union address: The Presidential Roast. Every year I'll invite leading stand-up comics and social satirists to get together and exercise their cutting wit at my expense. Folks like Whoopie Goldberg, George Carlin, Al Franken, Bill Maher, Dennis Leary et al. That should go a long way toward keeping me humble. Plus it'll be fun and with all the grim tasks we have ahead of us, we'll need all the laughs we can get.
On my first day in office, as soon as I'm sworn in, I'll start working on my "Things that need doing" list.
As I lower my hand, I'll pick up a pen and:
Ok. That takes us up to coffee break, day one. Here are some things that may take a little longer. Give me a couple of weeks.
Right now we're spending more on the military than the whole rest of the world combined. And we're not, as a result, spending much on anything else.
Not education.
Not healthcare.
Not infrastructure, roads and bridges.
Not the environment.
We're not even keeping our heads above water on these things, let alone making any progress. That's got to change.
Don't get me wrong. I'm not a pacifist.
I believe in a strong national defense.
I don't know anyone who doesn't.
The problem is how you define "strong" and "national" and "defense."
I don't think defense means attacking other people who haven't attacked us. If you don't agree, try punching somebody in the nose for no reason and claiming self-defense in court. The judge will have a good laugh before they drag you out in handcuffs.
I don't think national defense means having soldiers every place EXCEPT here to defend US.
I don't think a strong defense includes the admiral's yacht or the general's brass band or limousines for the joint chiefs. It isn't windfall profits for rich defense contractors making useless weapons systems while our men and women in the field, wherever they may be, do not have proper clothing, food, or body armor. I don't think strong means you have to have the ability to blow the entire planet to hell 100 times over.
In fact, while I'm not a West Point grad, I do know a thing or two about tactics and strategy. I'm pretty sure that a weapon the use of which guarantees your own destruction is not a real smart tactical choice. I'm reminded of that scene from Mel Brooks' BLAZING SADDLES in which Cleavon Little faces down an angry mob by pulling a gun and putting it to HIS OWN HEAD, taking himself hostage and threatening to kill himself if they didn't back off.
Apparently, too many politicians who saw that scene didn't realize that it was farce and not an instructional film.
You can label this Painfully Obvious Step One: nuclear weapons go to the scrap heap.
Yes, all of them.
And that particularly includes all "depleted uranium" weapons, too. How that ever got into the field in the first place is completely bewildering — unless you fully understand what heartless, sociopathic sons of bitches have been calling the shots.
Chemical and biological weapons go to the dump, too. OK, I wouldn't hesitate to slip a little ex-lax in the enemy's coffee, but weapons that indiscriminantly injure, maim or kill innocent people, including women and children — who always seem to get the worst of it — are all to be deconstructed, dismantled and destroyed.
Once we drop — and stop paying for — these insane and useless weapons systems, we're going to start having some extra cash lying around.
Bottom line on the bottom line: I'll bet you a bottle of your favorite hooch that I can cut the military budget by 50% or MORE and come out with a stronger, more efficient, more elite military at the end.
Here's what people don't understand about warfare: it isn't how many men you have or how big your bombs are. It's your reason for fighting.
History has numerous examples of forces vastly out-numbered and out-gunned who not only fought heroically, but also triumphantly. In the American Revolution, colonial irregulars were facing well-trained, well-armed professionals. But we're here, aren't we?
In Vietnam, the Viet Minh (later the Viet Cong) defeated the Japanese, the French and the Americans in turn. We had them out-gunned, that's for sure. But they were fighting for their loved ones and their liberty.
Sure, there have been plenty of times — too damn many times — when the good guys lost.
I'm not saying that a good cause makes victory inevitable. Just that it's possible even when you don't have much else going for you.
Militarily speaking, we'll need a little re-organizing.
The "founding fathers" warned against the perils of maintaining a standing army, and now we see why. When the only tool you have is a hammer you tend to treat everything as if it were a nail.
I will reduce the number of standing troops "on call" to a bare minimum: administrative staff, training staff, and a small unit of highly skilled elite forces who could be deployed at a moment's notice for the sole purpose of saving American lives — or possibly other innocent lives if the situation warrants it. Note I specify innocent lives. I'm not sending American troops to kill and die to prop up some vicious dictator whose own people want to string him up, just so we can keep the price of coffee down.
I'll ask the legislature to pass a law requiring me to justify using these emergency forces to a joint session of congress within 24 hours.
Any and all other use of troops will require, after an unlimited debate, a formal declaration of war from congress by 4/5ths of a roll call vote and that declaration must specifically state the nations involved, the reasons for war and the objectives to be achieved.
No vague "authorizations" to use military force against unspecified enemies for unspecified lengths of time to accomplish unspecified goals.
I think we owe it to our people in uniform to see to it that they are never misused or put in harm's way without good reason. And I'll tell you why: killing another human being is a horrible thing at best, even when it's in self-defense. It not only takes that life and eliminates all that potential for good, but it sends grief rippling through all that person's loved ones, and remains a stain on the soul of the one who does the killing. You can never give that life back, no matter how sorry you are later. So if you're going to ask somebody to go out and do some killing for you, I think you owe them a damn good reason for it.
The rest of the nation will be included in the militia, organized by state and comprising every healthy man and woman between the ages of 18 and 65, similar to the National Guard, but with this proviso: they can NEVER be ordered outside the borders of the United States.
That is, they are truly DEFENSIVE forces.
I'm going to retire a lot of those guys with more scrambled eggs on their hat-brims than brains in their head. I'll DOUBLE the base pay of enlisted personnel and double THAT for anyone serving in combat areas — of which there will be damn few. I'll increase benefits for veterans and their families.
There's a flip side to this, too. I believe everyone ought to chip in some time and energy for the common good. So I want to create a universal "public service" requirement.
By universal I don't mean "except rich kids and kids with political connections." I mean EVERYBODY. Unless you are certifiably 100% disabled mentally or physically, I'll bet we can find some way you can help make things a little bit better.
It will be easy enough to include public service training in the school system, which should cover everything you need to know to be an effective citizen. Think of it as a vastly expanded "drivers' ed." It would include military training, yes. Because you always have to be prepared for the worst even while you're hoping for and striving for the best.
But you may then, after graduating from high school, do two years helping to repair roads or build bridges — it's obvious that our entire infrastructure has gone to schmutz from not-so-benign neglect. You might also spend it fighting forest fires, or as a tutor or a paramedic. There's no end to the things that need to be done and I believe we have the ability get those things done, too.
For people who aren't coming up through the school system, we'll have to be flexible and find ways to provide training and match up special talents and abilities with needs.
I think one key to a strong national defense is having something that's worth defending, and a citizenry that knows it and is ready, willing and able to stand up and do it.
The other key is very much like my dad's advice about dental care. "If you want to keep your teeth in good shape, son," my dad said, "brush after every meal, see the dentist twice a year, and mind your own fuckin' business."
If we stop meddling in other peoples' countries, I think they'll be much less inclined to hate us. That's just a guess, of course. But it certainly can't hurt.
One other note on the military.
Somebody once said that military justice is to justice what military music is to music.
I can't see any sense in the people who defend our liberties not having those same liberties. A citizen-soldier ought not to have to sacrifice the "citizen," the need for group cohesion and command structure notwithstanding.
Further, the military should be under civilian authority, not independent of it.
I plan to all but eliminate military courts, except for dealing with breaches of military discipline. That is, things that would NOT be crimes outside the military — like sleeping on the job — would be offenses under military jurisdiction. But anything that WOULD be a crime outside the military — murder, rape, robbery — would fall under the jurisdiction of the civil courts.
In addition, civilian authorities would have jurisdiction to investigate crimes and make arrests on military reservations located within the area of their civil jurisdiction.
This will have two results. First, service people will get a fair shake from an unbiased jury and not get railroaded. On the other hand, it means that the military won't be able to "protect their own" from the law.
Quitting your job shouldn't be a crime.
Nobody fighting to protect their homes and families ever needed a "draft." But if we're doing something we shouldn't be doing — like invading Iraq, for example — or managing it in a way that's unconscionable, then I think the people who bear the brunt of the risk damn well ought to be able to vote with their feet.
Remember that 60's-ism : "What if they gave a war and nobody came?"
Still a good concept.
We need universal coverage, national health care.
Everybody else has it. Not one good reason why we shouldn't.
What are we, stupid?
Stone walls do not a prison make, nor iron bars a cage — but they sure help. We have more of our people in prison than any other country in the world and a disproportionate number of them are poor and non-white. We can't have that. No doubt about it, rapists, murderers, and robbers should be behind bars. We need to protect ourselves from them.
But so should white-collar criminals the Enron swindlers, the cheats, the polluters.
Almost everybody likes to get high. Some people drink it, some people smoke it. I don't see any reason why we should legally favor one method of intoxication over another. As I mentioned, I will pardon all non-violent drug offenders currently incarcerated. Likewise for folks doing time for other "victimless crimes."
I will commute to "life" all persons currently facing the death penalty. We're not going to risk executing any innocent people on my watch. It's barbaric. And it's counter-productive, anyway.
I will support alternatives to incarceration, like community service, for minor, non-violent offenses. For example, anybody who parks in a handicapped spot will be required to serve as a full time care-giver for a handicapped person. See where I'm going with this? The punishment should fit the crime.
I want to be sure that fire-fighters, paramedics and police have the best of everything they need to do a good job and get paid a decent salary for doing it.
But I also want to make sure that the police know just what their job is. "To serve and protect" the lives, liberty and property of all citizens. Not "serve the rich and protect the powerful." I will de-militarize the police. There's not a reason in the world for cops to be armed and equipped with gear intended for military use. The law enforcement mission is "serve and protect;" the military mission is "seek and destroy." Probably a good idea if we don't get those two things confused.
I will issue an executive order, a standing order as commander in chief and will seek a constitutional amendment barring the use of US troops against US citizens on US soil and the use of military equipment by law enforcement agencies.
Mayberry doesn't need a SWAT team.
They call it "SWAT" for a reason. As in "to swat a fly." It's about the use of overwhelming force. Overkill. I don't think that's the way to go with law enforcement.
I want instead ERAS — Emergency Rescue And Service. Feel the difference between these two concepts? I don't want our cops to be black-hooded assassins. I want them to be white knights.
I will also establish an independent review board to investigate officer-involved deaths and police misconduct. And I won't hesitate to come down with the full weight of the law on anyone who disgraces the badge.
I will make pollution a special federal offense (it crosses state lines, you know) and a felony punishable by hard prison time for CEO's, Directors and major share-holders of polluting corporations. I'll change the name and focus of the DEA to the ELEA — Environmental Law Enforcement Administration.
I favor harsh penalties for DWI and I'm keen on getting drunk drivers off the road — but I'm not going to scrap the bill of rights to do it. Those DWI road-blocks where citizens are randomly stopped with no probable cause? Unconstitutional as hell. Kiss them good-bye. All we have to do is conscientiously enforce the laws we already have while creating more possibilities for prevention.
As I said, everybody should pitch in some time and energy for the common good. On the other hand, everybody should enjoy the fruits of that common good, too. One way to do that is to be sure everybody gets a good education.
Everybody.
Free.
K through PhD at any school you like — as long you can cut it with the entrance exams. We're not talking about lowering standards, here.
It's in our national interest to have a savvy citizenry, so we'll split the tab. Consider it not an expense, but an investment.
Not into college? Prefer trade or professional school? Fine. You're covered.
Need to "re-tool" for a career change? Fine. You're covered.
We'll have more than enough money to cover it all from what we save on bombs and bullets and white gloves for the honor guard.
OK. Coffee break.
If you don't need one, I sure do.
I hope my ideas tickle your imagination a bit. Maybe you have some good ideas you like to toss into the ring. I'd love to hear them. If two heads are better than one, it's a lead pipe cinch that 200 million heads are even better than that.
Got a solution to a problem?
Write to me. Email me. Send up a smoke signal.
I won't be able to fix everything all by myself.
I'm going to need you.
Meanwhile, don't miss our next thrilling episode: New Symbols for a New America