When I was a kid, they told me that America was a place where anybody could become President. I never really believed it was true until Dubya stumbled into the Oval Office. But now I have to admit that they must have been telling me the truth, after all. In fact, Ole Dubya has so inspired me, that I've decided to run for president, myself. I mean, hell, if he can do it…
The constitution says all you need to be qualified is to be over the age of 35 (I'm okay there); be a natural-born citizen (is Chicago still considered part of the United States?); been a resident for the last 14 years (hell, I haven't even left my new hometown in the last 14 years!).
So constitutionally speaking, I'm qualified.
One other thing. Just like the current office-holder (and many other presidential aspirants) I've never been convicted of a felony.
Unlike the current office-holder (and many other presidential aspirants) I've never committed one.
Okay. So I'm eligible. So are a few million other people. Why should you vote for me?
There's an old saw in American politics that says, "Anybody who can be elected, probably shouldn't be." So by simple unassailable logic, since I can't possibly be elected, I'm the one you should probably vote for.
The word "politics" comes from Greek "poly" meaning "many" and "tics" meaning "little blood-sucking insects."
That's a joke.
But it isn't that funny.
I'm not looking for a "career" in politics — in fact, I dislike politics and politicians, too. I've never run for or held any public office before and I'm not interested in running for anything afterwards, either. This is a one-time thing. I'd go to Washington for one reason and one reason ONLY:
Clean up Tombstone.
I just want to set the country I love back on what I believe is the right course, the one they promised me when I was a kid: a government "of the people, by the people and for the people" — not "of the rich, by the rich and for the rich" —and with "liberty and justice for all."
Most importantly, I'm not a lawyer. Ever notice the similarity between the word "lawyer" and the word "liar?" Coincidence? You be the judge. But clearly, despite the fine lawyers who are out there fighting the good fight, you have to admit that as a general rule only a lawyer can argue that black is white or day is night with a straight face and caselaw to back it up. We need more lawyers in government like the Arabs need more sand.
I'm not a "war hero" either.
During the war in Vietnam — which was illegal and immoral THEN and hasn't improved any with time — I decided that there was no way in hell I was going to some other guy's country to kill people I didn't hate for reasons I didn't believe on the orders of a guy I didn't trust. But I didn't feel right about going to Canada either. So I served a hitch in the US Coast Guard, scraping piss-clams off of buoys along the Maine coast. Not very "heroic" but I probably didn't harm anybody by it.
That was my choice. Other people made other choices. I may not agree with those choices, but I respect them. It was a hard decision to make without any "good" options and I'm not going to second-guess anybody with the benefit of 30 years of hindsight.
I'm not a businessman. The principle of "buy cheap and sell dear" leaves me cold.
It doesn't say anything about being honest or fair. In fact, to me, it seems inherently dishonest. Maybe I'm not comfortable selling anything I didn't actually create, myself.
I don't have an advanced degree in public policy, economics or political science.
This will seriously impair my ability to obfuscate simple concepts.
I'm not "politically connected." I don't know anybody, and I don't owe anybody.
I'm not a Democrat or a Republican. I'm not a conservative or a liberal. I'm not even sure I could tell you what those things mean, anymore. I don't camp out at one extreme or the other, though I may have coffee from time to time with folks who do, just to see if they have any good ideas.
I'm an independent. That's somebody who doesn't care which side his bread is buttered on because he's going to eat both sides anyway. If you wanted to describe me, I suppose you could say I'm a member of the "radical middle," which is exactly where I think MOST Americans are when they aren't answering rigged questions in a rigged poll. I think most people are fundamentally decent, fair-minded folks who would like a lot more live-and-let-live than we currently have going on.
I can't prove this, but I'd be willing to bet a buck against a hole in a donut that if we were to take all the eligible voters in the country and plot them on a graph — let's call it the "Sanity and Reasonableness Continuum" — we'd come up with the same old bell curve that we find just about everyplace else.
I think we have maybe 5% at one end who are rabid, right-wing, jingoistic neo-fascists, fundamentalist religious fanatics and greedy corporate pimps. You know who they like.
At the other end of the scale we have maybe 5% vociferous limousine liberals, vegetarian pacifist PhD's and the ineffectual, unfocused feel-good-about-yourself social activists.
The other 90% in the middle of the curve are honest, decent, hard-working people who don't want to harm anybody, just live and let live, enjoy life, family and friends, doing the best they can. These are the people who are rarely heard from and even more rarely listened to.
What's interesting to me is how much the extremes have in common. Basically, they all want to tell you what to think, do and say in strict accordance with their own rigid ideas.
Anyone who disagrees must be either uneducated, mentally ill, a traitor or some other all-or-nothing, with-us-or-against us crap. No wiggle room for these loonies.
No way for honest people of good will to disagree without rancor.
These folks at the extreme polar opposites are who I like to refer by the technical term, "nuts."
I respect people who say what they mean and mean what they say, and I try my best to be one of them. I tell the truth, as I see it, and I don't worry much about who I might offend.
No person of integrity prefers a sweet lie to a bitter truth.
Sometimes, I may seem blunt — even unnecessarily blunt. It's not my intention to embarrass, humiliate or hurt anyone. But when it's a toss-up between being "nice" and being honest, for me it's no contest. The truth wins every time.
Not only am I NOT interested in a career in politics, I'm not interested in a career in "industry," either. Maybe I just don't play well with others. But frankly, money just doesn't put a tilt in my kilt.
That loud noise is, I assume, your bullshit detector going into overdrive.
I understand.
Everybody assumes that it's all about money, everybody's motivated by the long green.
I'll tell you something I witnessed when I was a kid that impressed me. I'll give you the short version. A friend of mine made a deal with a cobbler (an Amish gent, I believe) for a pair of boots. They agreed on 200 bucks. The cobbler delivered a pair of boots way beyond expectation. Hand-stitched. Lined with leather. Thigh high shafts cut in one piece with scalloped bucket tops, 2 inch undershot heel with a spur shelf. And fit like a barefoot dream. My pal was a little embarrassed about the price, knowing full well that he'd pay at least a thousand dollars for these babies anywhere else. So he offered the cobbler 400 bucks.
The cobbler declined.
That's right.
Try as he might, my pal couldn't make the man take the extra 200 bucks. "A deal is a deal. We shook hands on it," was his view.
"But they're worth more," my pal protested.
"To me," the man shrugged, "my word is worth more."
The bottom line is this: not everyone is in it for the money.
I may let you rent me, but I'm not for sale.
And speaking of "rent," do you know how much the President makes? $400,000 per year.
PLUS all those perks, Air Force One, living in the White House rent-free, book club discounts.
That's waaaaay too much for me. I wouldn't know what to do with all that loot.
My dad once said, "I spent most of my money on liquor, women and gambling. The rest I just waste."
I'll tell you what: I'll take whatever the average working American takes home.
No more, no less. The White House would never feel like "home" to me so I'll get a little apartment someplace convenient. We'll start a "White House Lottery" so, by random drawing, folks can come and live in the White House for a week, all expenses paid, just so they can see how presidents have been living on the taxes the people have been paying all these years.
The president is supposed to be a public servant.
It's a strange case when the servants live better than the boss.
If I remember my high school Latin correctly, the word religion comes from the root ligare, which means "to connect." As in ligament. Add "re" and it means, "re-connect." So you might say that a religion is a person's way of re-connecting with everything else, of re-discovering the connections between himself and everything else that exists.
Or you might not. That's what makes a horse race.
The framers of the constitution bent over backwards to keep church and state separate.
Smart guys.
The only way the state can treat all religions fairly is to ignore them all.
Whatever my personal relationship is with the Almighty, that's between the Almighty and me. I keep that to myself and it's nobody's business but mine.
Whatever YOUR personal relationship with the Almighty is, that's between you and the Almighty. It's nobody's business but yours. I'd just as soon you keep it that way.
If you're looking for a pale, pasty, cringing Puritanical prohibitionist to represent you, like the song says, "It ain't me, Babe."
I like to have a drink now and then. Once in a while, I might get good and drunk, too.
I love animals, especially horses, but I eat meat.
I'm against war because I hate both stupidity and cruelty, but I'm not a pacifist.
You smite me on the cheek I'm going to smite you right back, only you're not getting back up.
I like to dance and sing and I like sex as much as the next guy — maybe as much as the next couple of guys.
I believe the creator put these things here for us to enjoy and it would be kind of arrogant to pass judgement on these gifts as if we were "holier" or more "moral" than the Almighty.
Actually, I don't anyone who considers himself "anti-life." Seems like anyone who sincerely held that point of view wouldn't be around long to express it.
When I say pro-life I don't mean pro-(meddling in everybody else's)-life. I mean I'm against killing except in the "direst extreme" of self-defense. So I'm against war and I'm against capital punishment (which is killing someone to show that we believe killing is wrong).
Patrick Henry didn't stand up and say "Give me security or give me death."
I think the absolute top priority of the US government must be to "secure the blessings of liberty" for all the people all the time. It's job number one. In fact if the gubmint doesn't do that, it really doesn't matter what else they do.
Thomas Jefferson, or somebody in a powdered wig, once said "Only good men can love liberty; the others love not liberty but license." When I say liberty I mean liberty, not license. No one has a right to harm anyone else. But as long as you don't harm anyone, whatever you do in your bedroom, with whatever consenting party you choose to do it, and whatever you decide to ingest, imbibe, inject or inhale is nobody's business but your own. There are so many invasive, busy-body laws on the books now you can't sweat, spit or scratch without violating one.
We need to go through these with a red pen. Probably a boxful of red pens.
Here's one example that should be a no-brainer.
Only human beings have "rights" under the constitution.
The idea that somehow "corporations" as fictitious persons should enjoy the same rights as actual living and breathing, flesh and blood citizens is something you can spread on your organic garden.
If ever there was a legal principle stretched so far out of shape as to be worthy of a Cirque du Soleil contortionist, this is it.
We need a law, a constitutional amendment, that says something like:
No "corporation", "association" or other fictitious "person" shall be deemed to possess the rights of natural, living persons, ie, human beings, but shall enjoy only those privileges under the law as provided in the corporation charter at the pleasure of the people of the state in which the corporation is formed; nor shall any corporation own any other corporation, in whole or in part; nor may the corporation be formed for or engage in more than a single purpose; nor may the life span of any corporation exceed 100 years; nor may a corporation formed in one state do business in another; nor may any corporation provide money, goods or services to any political candidate for any purpose whatsoever or attempt in any manner whatsoever to influence the outcome of any election.
Violations of these provisions will be considered a felony punishable by not less than 10 years nor more than 25 years imprisonment AND a fine equal to 150% of the corporation's assets. Liability for corporate malfeasance shall include, jointly and severally the CEO, the members of the Board of Directors and all stockholders owning 5% or more of the total shares in the corporation
While we're on the subject of flim-flams, I will push for a law requiring all legislation to be written in plain English instead of Legalese. Hell, it might as well be in ancient Greek the way it is now.
I will also limit legislation to a SINGLE PURPOSE. No more chemical weapons research funding tagged onto a bill to regulate the price of milk.
I will not sign into law ANYTHING that doesn't meet these requirements.
Do I have your vote yet?
I hope not.
Wait until you see my campaign platform and my "Things to do right after being
sworn-in" list.
Coming in our next exciting episode.